I have been contemplating writing about this or not but it just seems like I should let everyone who wants to know and needs to know, know about my life as of late in one fail swoop.
This story starts way back in May when Jordon and I had decided that we were going to try to get pregnant over the summer and have a spring-ish baby. I prayed about it hard since I knew I would still be a homemaker and sometimes I struggle with depression. I finally had a good feeling and so I went into the O.B. in June and had my IUD taken out. We started right away trying to get pregnant.
Nothing in June.
Nothing in July.
Nothing in August.
Then in September I started to get really sick. I started puking everyday multiple times a day. We had guessed that in the middle of August was about the time I had gotten pregnant. I took a test on September 26th and boom! There was a very definite + sign. We were so excited! This was the first time I was pregnant AND married!
I was too excited to hide it so I immediately took a picture of the test and sent it to our parents. I wanted them to know so that when I showed up sick they could come up with an excuse for me. We told Hadleigh that there was a baby in my tummy and that she couldn't jump on me anymore. We were waiting to tell our siblings til Halloween. There were some people that had struggles earlier getting pregnant and we wanted to make sure that they were healing well before we told them our news. Of course we ended up telling one sibling that lives in St. George we were pregnant since we wouldn't see him til Thanksgiving. I also ended up telling Kai because he caught me throwing up at my parents house and freaked out for a minute.
Anyways, on Thursday the 25th of October I started spotting. I was a little worried but not too alarmed. I had spotted with Hadleigh for 3 days. I called the Dr. and the nurse wanted to have my HCG levels tested before anything was determined and ordered bed rest.. I went in Friday the 26th for the first blood draw. Relaxed all weekend ( more like stressed). I had a pretty good idea by Sunday that it was a miscarriage. Something just wasn't right. My woman instincts were telling me to prepare for the loss. I researched it alot online just comparing my symptoms with others and read stories on how to deal with the loss. I went in Monday the 29th for my second blood draw. Tuesday the 30th I called the Dr for the results. My levels had gone from over 5,000 to under 2,000. The nurse told me it was not a good pregnancy and that I was miscarrying. We set up a check up appointment for the 14th of November to make sure everything expelled.
I cried and racked my brain about all the things I did and didn't do right, the what ifs, and tried really hard not to blame myself. It's hard not to blame yourself when you miscarry. My head knew that there was something wrong so my body did the natural thing and ended the pregnancy before the baby or I were harmed. My heart was sad and Satan took advantage of that and snuck in his little " it's your fault. you didn't exercise enough" or his " you sat in the hot tub too long" comments. It was an internal wrestle. Some days were good other days were bad.
On Halloween I told my family that it was a miscarriage and then told Jordon's family (that knew) so that it was all done in one day. We had sooo much support for both sides that it helped us heal even more. By then Jordon and I had talked alot and became ok with it and decided to wait until Christmas time to try again. Halloween was still fun and we made the best of our situation. Over the weekend I had stopped spotting all together and was kinda nervous. I reached out to my roommate and a family friend with questions and concerns since they are both nurses. They gave me great advice and were really comforting. My body was confused about what was going on- that's why I stopped bleeding- but it was still a miscarriage so it would start up again.
Just an FYI~ I barely spotted up to the 2nd of Nov and then stopped altogether~ so it's going to get GRAPHIC
Monday my cousin came up to zone my feet and rub some doTerra oils on me to help start the bleeding again and to get this miscarriage on the move. I felt like a week was long enough and wanted it over with.
Tuesday was relaxing and a nice family day. We went and voted and looked at puppies and walked outside since it was in the 60's. Tuesday night was a completely different story. I started cramping really bad about 10:30pm. Then it went into contraction like cramps. I went back and forth to the bathroom thinking I would push and expel all the tissue into the toilet and get it over with. I pushed a tiny piece of tissue out and some blood/mucus? squirted out and I felt completely fine. Jordon stayed up with me until about 11:30. I sent him to bed since there was really nothing he could do and I felt better. I stayed up just in case there was more pushing I was going to do. Midnight I feel like I need to change my pad and get up off the couch.
Woosh!
Something drops out and blood is gushing down my legs. I take my pants off trying to wipe the blood but there is so much its not help. I run to the bathroom and take off my underwear and there is a huge piece of tissue sitting on my pad and blood every where. I sit on the toilet trying to get the blood under control and put the tissue in a sandwich bag like the nurse said. The blood is not letting up. It is seriously just falling out of me. The bathroom looked like someone had been murdered in there with all the blood. I take my shirt off and use it to soak up the blood while I stand in the tub and wash my legs and feet off. Still not letting up. I waddle into the bedroom, shirt between my legs and wake Jordon up telling him I need help, grab new underwear and close Hadleigh's door. He gets up and comes out to see the blood trail leading from the couch to the bathroom. Poor guy is still half asleep but starts cleaning up the blood spots. By then I had put on a new shirt, pad and underwear. I grabbed our towels and start wiping up the blood that is splattered all over the bathroom floor, tub, toilet, sink and door. After I get the wet stuff up I have to change my pad again. I start using the Clorox wipes to get the dried spots and to disinfect. I change my pad again. I get that done and go down stairs, start the wash and throw all the bloody clothes/ towels in. I go back up stairs and send Jordon to bed again. About 1 pm while still on the toilet trying to get all the blood/tissue out i start to feel dizzy and nauseous. I tell Jordon to call my dad to take me to the hospital. He says, " Babe, I can take you." "I know but someone needs to come so Hadleigh can still sleep."
He calls my moms cell. Its turned off. I tell him their land line and he calls it. My dad answers. While they are talking I stand up to get my pad to sit right in my undies and BOOM! I pass out and hit the floor. I woke up to see J kneeling next to me saying my dad is coming and he's going to get dressed. "DON'T MOVE." I fix my pad, even though there is now blood on my new undies. J pulls up my pants and puts my boots on. I just lay on the floor with a clean towel under my head until my dad gets here. Jordon helps me up and helps me walk to the car. About 6 feet from the house I tell him, "I think I'm going to pass out again." wrap my arms around his neck and BOOM! I wake up in the grass, J telling me he's going to get my dad. My dad runs out and lovingly smacks my face to make sure I'm awake then wipes my sweat and kisses my forehead. J and Dad carry me the rest of the way to the car, put a towel down (still Niagara falling blood) and Jordon drives me to the hospital(holding my hand all the way). We get there and he goes and gets a wheel chair. He wheels me in and while checking in I pass out a 3rd time and then puke. The front desk lady calls back a second time for someone to come get me. After like 30 minutes I get back to a bed in the E.R. and they hook me to some fluids after telling me how pale (bad) I look. After 2 nurses, a pelvic exam, 4 doctors, 3 bags a fluids, 4 blood tests and 6 times of telling my " miscarriage story" it is finally determined that I need an emergency D&C. I get some Zolofran, heart monitor sticker things and a pressure cuff I get wheeled into a closed O.R. There it's just Dr. Shelley, a nurse, the anesthesiologist and the assistant. I get my arms strapped down, and some meds to knock me out and the next thing I know I'm signing telling the Drs thank you and they did a very good job and asking where Jordon is. I can't talk since they intibated me and taped my eyes closed during the surgery. Finally, the recovery nurse says "Honey, we don't know sign language." I start nodding and shaking my head to answer questions as I come out of anaesthesia. It takes about an hour of coming to before we leave the hospital and make it home at 7:30 in the morning. No sleep for 24 hours makes for 2 tired people.
1:30 am until 7:30 am is the time we spent in the hospital.
The bill for this is going to be MASSIVE!
After all this I have plenty to be Thankful for.
- A husband who holds the Priesthood, for giving me a blessing, for physical strength to carry my dead weight, for the support he showed at the hospital, for cleaning the carpets, for not sleeping until Hadleigh had somewhere to go, for picking up my pain medicine, for checking on me all through the night, for taking care of me today, for sacrificing a school day to get more cleaning done
- A father who picked up a late night phone call and came quickly to watch our daughter, physical strength to carry me to the car, and the Priesthood just in case I needed another blessing
- In-laws who took Hadleigh for the day, made my favorite soup and rolls, got me a little get better present and card, who love my family and me as much as we love them, and the CUTEST thankful tree ever
- A daughter who slept perfect all night for the first time in months, was soft with her sick mommy before she left and went to bed early so her parents could get more sleep too
- A mother who made porkchops and salad for us to bring home so that we didnt go hungry
- Jordon's work, that we have insurance to pay for the hospital, moving back to day shift just in time, that his 3 days off were right when this happened, that he has decent pay to hopefully still have a Christmas for Hadleigh
- The gospel that we know of forever families, the Priesthood power, prayer and the Holy Ghost's comfort through a very trying time
- Friends with nursing knowledge to answer our questions before and after the hospital
- Doctor's, nurses, check-in ladies that knew what they were doing, had concern for me, took care of me, and figured out the solution so that I wouldn't need a blood transfusion or die from blood loss or get an infection
- For a cousin who came up here to help me with holistic ways of balancing my body and helping it on it's way
- For all of you who have prayed or helped us in any way. We are truely grateful.
I am so thankful for so many things. As scarey as this was and still is,
because of this, I feel closer to my husband more than ever before.
I feel closer to my Father in Heaven.
This was a blessing, not a trial.
