Easter

I can't believe that it has been almost a year since I last posted pictures from our camera!! Cest La Vie!  This last week was a stressful one for me.  My body as you know was wiggin out, we had dentist appointments and I was deep spring cleaning my house in preparation for the Clark Easter Party.  This year we were in charge of the Easter party and I decided to host it at our house.  Grandma Venus has lots and lots of stuff at her house so I try to give her a break and have our holiday parties at our house.  She also makes lots of food for scheduled and nonscheduled family get togethers so I try not to ask her to make too much when we host.  I just know how stressful it is and I feel bad having anyone else stress out!!  Venus knew that I was freaking out and suggested that we do finger foods and have everyone bring something small to help out.  That was GENIUS!! For Thanksgiving I made an entire feast (mostly) and that wore me out for about 2 weeks so finger foods it was.  We made the main dish and then has everyone else bring stuff.

Anyways, with my blood count still really low I haven't had very much energy.  It takes alot for me to even get "ready" for the day not including getting Hadleigh ready.  I had to break up the deep cleaning into 8 days.  I started Friday the 15th with cleaning the walls, doors and baseboards and window sills.  Then it was blinds, organize Hadleigh's room, dust everything, then vacuum up stairs, downstairs and the stairs.  I then had to deep clean the bathroom which took a whole day since I had to bleach the grout on our tile floor. I took a day break to go grocery shopping for the rest of the month.  Then it was vacuum again!! Seriously, that never ends!!! Jordon helped alot by sweeping and mopping and vacuuming the couches the day of the party.  I did all the laundry too so that everything was clean.  We even washed the dogs bed, towels, blankets and water bowels!! Then about an hour before anyone came I sprayed everything with Lysol.  We were sick earlier and with a pregnant lady and baby coming I wanted to make sure that our house was sterile.  Spencer also has bad allergies/asthma triggered by animals so I wanted to make sure he could breathe.

It turned out great!  I had Hadleigh and Jordon help me fill eggs for the 3 kids to hunt the night before and I think that was Hadleigh's favorite part.  They hunted in the house since it is Second Winter here and then after about 2 hours of relaxing and playing they dyed eggs with the Dads.  I had lots of fun and I think everyone else did too!

I am very very happy though that our Holiday is already done for the year and next year we don't have a holiday til summer!!!

White as snowflakes.....

That's what the Dental Hygienist said to Little Miss. We went in for our first Dental Appointment, me in 2 years and Sassy Pants first!! We know that we were behind on getting her to the dentist but we just haven't had the money to get in.  I was nervous since it would be her first time and we were going to be going at the same time.  I took her portable DVD player, Rise of the Guardians , her White blanket and a cup of milk.  I plugged her movie in the next cleaning room while I got x-rays and let her take her white.  As soon as we got in there she was kinda quiet when the Hygienist started talking to her.  But as soon as I left she started talking up a storm! She stayed in there the whole time!  She even let the DH brush her teeth, do a complete exam, cleaning and a full set of x-rays!! She had no cavities and her teeth are a perfect shade of white!  She has lots of space for more teeth to come in too! I am so proud of her!  Now I'm not as nervous for her to start Pre-school.  She even got to wear these cool shades while she played with "Mr. Sucky" the sucker thingy after they rinse your mouth with water.  The light they use to look in your mouth is unfiltered so they have you wear glasses.

Blessings and Prayers

Since my miscarriage back in November I have been  having health issues and been trying to understand why.  This has me struggling with my faith and my testimony and I have been wondering about what I believe.  And if things that I used to know are really true.  It's been a trying time spiritually and every other way you can think of.

I keep asking Heavenly Father why I have to go through this.

Why can't I get pregnant again?

Why can't my blood build back up?

Why am I bleeding so much and for so long?

What lesson could I possibly be learning from this?

A lot of why this and why that.

In my head I know that this is a trial I must go through in order to become better and more like Him.  I just really don't like it.  It makes me heart hurt.  I feel like I was able to so quickly become pregnant with Samuel and Hadleigh that now I don't know why I can't.  Those other 2 were not expected nor planned and they happened like 2 months into having sex.  Now almost a year after having my Mirena taken out I still can't keep a pregnancy.  It's so confusing for me.  I prayed about getting pregnant last year that I would be at peace and know if it was the right time and my answer was yes.  After having that confirmation for me to lose the baby (which I am pretty sure was another little girl) was hard.  It took me a 2 years to become OK with the idea of becoming pregnant again and then BOOM heart break and depression.

I have been struggling with depression on and off and been trying to get out of it.  I know that I haven't been the easiest to live with and I am so thankful that my husband and daughter have out up with me.  They bring joy into my life and without them I know I would have given up.

Well these last 2 months have been really hard physically.  February I had my period for 16 days and 7 of those were super heavy with tissue loss.  It was very similar to how my miscarriage went down only I didn't pass out and loose everything all in 2 hours.  I spotted on and off from the end of February up until yesterday.

Yesterday I started my March menstruation cycle and it was pretty normal until last night about 7 o'clock.  I went through 4 super tampons in 4 hours.  If I didn't change at exactly an hour I would start leaking onto my pantie liner or the tampon would fall out b/c it was so full.  Then I started losing large pieces of tissue.  

I started to get nervous.  I didn't want to go into the ER again.

I didn't want to loose so much blood again.

I have developed anemia since the miscarriage.

Losing too much blood now could mean a blood transfusion.

Anyways, last night I was getting nervous.  I called my mom.  I texted our friend Cindy Syndergaard. 

After all that I asked Jordon for a blessing.

I was feeling light headed and shaky.  

That's what I feel before I pass out.

So Hadleigh and I laid down in our bed until Jordon came in to put her in her own bed.

I plead with my Father in Heaven for peace and for the knowledge to know what to do.  I asked that my body be healed and that I would feel His love around me.

I instantly felt calmer.

Jordon came in and gave me a Priesthood blessing.  

In it he told me that my body would be healed, that my Heavenly Father loved me and that He was proud of me.  He told me that my body would be healed and that all of this was for me to learn and to grow.  He said that I would feel His love and his comfort.  He blessed me that I would have the knowledge to know what to do.  I cried during the blessing.

All of these were answers to my prayers.  They were what I needed to hear.  

I felt the calmest I had in a long time.

I wasn't nervous.

I wasn't scared.

I knew that I would be OK.

I knew that I didn't need to go to the Dr.

I slept really good.

I am grateful for the power of the Priesthood and that I have a husband that is worthy to hold it.  I am grateful that the Lord heard my prayers and gave me peace and comfort.  I am grateful that Jordon was more than happy to give me a blessing.  I am grateful that through this I know that my Heavenly Father is with me and that He hears my prayers and that He loves me.  My faith is being restored.

"These are my confessions..." Thank You Usher

Life has been busy and slow all at the same time.

Is that even possible? That is how it has felt.

On to the title...

I have been wondering what I can do to keep blogging on a semi regular basis.  It makes me feel better getting somethings out in writing (and then deleting) and this is a great place to keep Hadleigh's milestones/ hilarity recorded for later dates.  One day I am hoping to get really motivated and get each year printed out. So in order to keep this up-to-date I am going to do Wednesday Confessionals.  

Confession One:

As I get older I am starting to realize I don't really like people.  I mean I like people but I am more selective on who I talk to, who I hang out with, and who I feel is important in my life.  Growing up, I was the complete opposite practically.  I wanted to be friends with everyone, talked to everyone and thought everyone I knew was important.  

People are important. People are special.  People have feelings but I don't have to worry what all 6 billion think about or if they are happy with my choices.

I'm not rude (try not to be) and I don't wish harm on anyone.

I just don't want anymore friends.

 People  cause drama.  People are mean.  People are clicky and unfortunately, I have experienced a lot of this the last 5ish years.   I don't know if it is because I am fortunate enough to have an AWESOME family or the fact I hung out with mostly boys my whole life or the fact that I was way spoiled by my  jr/high school friends but I never really experienced stuff that I have since graduating college.

I hope that I didn't offend anyone and I want those of you who are my friends and family to know how much I appreciate and love you.  You guys are my rock.  You guys inspire me.  You guys bring me sunshine.  I am yours forever.  I will defend you, stand beside you, believe you until the end of time.  Thank you for loving me and for treating me the way you do.  I am spoiled.  And I love it!