Blessings and Prayers

Since my miscarriage back in November I have been  having health issues and been trying to understand why.  This has me struggling with my faith and my testimony and I have been wondering about what I believe.  And if things that I used to know are really true.  It's been a trying time spiritually and every other way you can think of.

I keep asking Heavenly Father why I have to go through this.

Why can't I get pregnant again?

Why can't my blood build back up?

Why am I bleeding so much and for so long?

What lesson could I possibly be learning from this?

A lot of why this and why that.

In my head I know that this is a trial I must go through in order to become better and more like Him.  I just really don't like it.  It makes me heart hurt.  I feel like I was able to so quickly become pregnant with Samuel and Hadleigh that now I don't know why I can't.  Those other 2 were not expected nor planned and they happened like 2 months into having sex.  Now almost a year after having my Mirena taken out I still can't keep a pregnancy.  It's so confusing for me.  I prayed about getting pregnant last year that I would be at peace and know if it was the right time and my answer was yes.  After having that confirmation for me to lose the baby (which I am pretty sure was another little girl) was hard.  It took me a 2 years to become OK with the idea of becoming pregnant again and then BOOM heart break and depression.

I have been struggling with depression on and off and been trying to get out of it.  I know that I haven't been the easiest to live with and I am so thankful that my husband and daughter have out up with me.  They bring joy into my life and without them I know I would have given up.

Well these last 2 months have been really hard physically.  February I had my period for 16 days and 7 of those were super heavy with tissue loss.  It was very similar to how my miscarriage went down only I didn't pass out and loose everything all in 2 hours.  I spotted on and off from the end of February up until yesterday.

Yesterday I started my March menstruation cycle and it was pretty normal until last night about 7 o'clock.  I went through 4 super tampons in 4 hours.  If I didn't change at exactly an hour I would start leaking onto my pantie liner or the tampon would fall out b/c it was so full.  Then I started losing large pieces of tissue.  

I started to get nervous.  I didn't want to go into the ER again.

I didn't want to loose so much blood again.

I have developed anemia since the miscarriage.

Losing too much blood now could mean a blood transfusion.

Anyways, last night I was getting nervous.  I called my mom.  I texted our friend Cindy Syndergaard. 

After all that I asked Jordon for a blessing.

I was feeling light headed and shaky.  

That's what I feel before I pass out.

So Hadleigh and I laid down in our bed until Jordon came in to put her in her own bed.

I plead with my Father in Heaven for peace and for the knowledge to know what to do.  I asked that my body be healed and that I would feel His love around me.

I instantly felt calmer.

Jordon came in and gave me a Priesthood blessing.  

In it he told me that my body would be healed, that my Heavenly Father loved me and that He was proud of me.  He told me that my body would be healed and that all of this was for me to learn and to grow.  He said that I would feel His love and his comfort.  He blessed me that I would have the knowledge to know what to do.  I cried during the blessing.

All of these were answers to my prayers.  They were what I needed to hear.  

I felt the calmest I had in a long time.

I wasn't nervous.

I wasn't scared.

I knew that I would be OK.

I knew that I didn't need to go to the Dr.

I slept really good.

I am grateful for the power of the Priesthood and that I have a husband that is worthy to hold it.  I am grateful that the Lord heard my prayers and gave me peace and comfort.  I am grateful that Jordon was more than happy to give me a blessing.  I am grateful that through this I know that my Heavenly Father is with me and that He hears my prayers and that He loves me.  My faith is being restored.