I have been playing with the idea to post about something that I feel like I should talk about and finally today with some time to myself I will do it! As most of you know I have a son from a previous relationship. His name is Samuel. I haven't seen him for about 3 months but I am planning on seeing him for Easter! I am so excited. Let me start to explain... I think that adoption is one of the most amazing experiences anyone can go through. It is one of the hardest decisions to deal with as a birth mother but one of the most important ones someone can make. The pain never fully goes away but slowly over time it does lessen. Does that make sense?
My heart broke into a million pieces the day I placed him. But slowly it has mended. Sometimes I still have a slight twinge when I see little boys his age but then I just call up his parents and see him and everything is great again! I am so lucky to have an open adoption. This means that I have the opportunity to be involved in his life. His parents are amazing! I absolutely love them with all my heart. But how could I not?! I did choose them, actually I think that we were pre-destined to be together so we chose each other.
The process of deciding to place was a long one. Relatively. I only had 9 months but it took me 6 to decide! So I think that is long. It all started when I walked into LDS Family Services and met with my worker Jared. He is truly the most compassionate men I have ever met. I was depressed and felt so alone. I had my family and the few friends that didn't leave me but I still felt so so alone! Jared made things seem better. We met once a week and started off just talking about my situation and the "sperm donor". He listened. And listened. And then when I was ready, he talked. He gave me advice and then listened some more! That is what I needed. We started talking about my options and finally I said ok, let's look at profiles.
Jared told me to make a list of all the qualities I wanted in parents. I wrote about 2 pages front and back with the qualities I wanted. I have physical, spiritual, intellectual, emotional traits that I wanted for my children. Jared took the lists and narrowed down thousands of profiles to about 20. From there I glanced over them and picked 5. After reading the 5 I had 2 that I thought could be the "one". I set up a face to face with the number 2 choice. So I could make sure that number 1 was really number 1.
Because I knew I was having a boy Jared advised me to start thinking about names. I wanted to pick a name that symbolized what we were going through. I settled on the name Samuel, after the boy prophet. And Samuel the Lamanite. Two men, who in the scriptures, were chosen of the Lord.
When I met A and D in August of 2006 it was so nerve wracking! I was clammy and had butterflies and just couldn't wait! When I walked in I was greeted with hugs! With the boys there we talked about names. AND we agreed on the name Samuel! This was an answer to one of my many prayers. This brought an instant peace to me. I knew that they had the same answer to their prayers. I am lucky that they included me in the naming process. We started talking about little things and then dove right in to the deep stuff when the boys left. It was so nice to know that they had open relationships with the other birth mothers and that they really wanted one with me as well.
Fast-forward 3 months later and here was this little bundle of blue. This little boy who I had waited for. who I had prayed for. who was perfect. Tears filled the 3 days that I was in hospital. Placement was bittersweet. I was heart-broken but I knew that this was what I needed to do. The Lord was there that day. He lifted my burdens and held me when I cried. I felt him there. He was a warm blanket that let me know that I would be ok.
Since then I have had ups and downs. I can honestly say that this process was an up. I love the P's with all my heart and I feel so blessed to be an active participant in their lives. I love my son. I love the fact that my testimony has been strengthened. I love the Lord. And I love you for letting me share this very shortened story with you. This is therapeutic for me. It helps me take baby steps forward. Thank you for being part of this process.
My heart broke into a million pieces the day I placed him. But slowly it has mended. Sometimes I still have a slight twinge when I see little boys his age but then I just call up his parents and see him and everything is great again! I am so lucky to have an open adoption. This means that I have the opportunity to be involved in his life. His parents are amazing! I absolutely love them with all my heart. But how could I not?! I did choose them, actually I think that we were pre-destined to be together so we chose each other.
The process of deciding to place was a long one. Relatively. I only had 9 months but it took me 6 to decide! So I think that is long. It all started when I walked into LDS Family Services and met with my worker Jared. He is truly the most compassionate men I have ever met. I was depressed and felt so alone. I had my family and the few friends that didn't leave me but I still felt so so alone! Jared made things seem better. We met once a week and started off just talking about my situation and the "sperm donor". He listened. And listened. And then when I was ready, he talked. He gave me advice and then listened some more! That is what I needed. We started talking about my options and finally I said ok, let's look at profiles.
Jared told me to make a list of all the qualities I wanted in parents. I wrote about 2 pages front and back with the qualities I wanted. I have physical, spiritual, intellectual, emotional traits that I wanted for my children. Jared took the lists and narrowed down thousands of profiles to about 20. From there I glanced over them and picked 5. After reading the 5 I had 2 that I thought could be the "one". I set up a face to face with the number 2 choice. So I could make sure that number 1 was really number 1.
Because I knew I was having a boy Jared advised me to start thinking about names. I wanted to pick a name that symbolized what we were going through. I settled on the name Samuel, after the boy prophet. And Samuel the Lamanite. Two men, who in the scriptures, were chosen of the Lord.
When I met A and D in August of 2006 it was so nerve wracking! I was clammy and had butterflies and just couldn't wait! When I walked in I was greeted with hugs! With the boys there we talked about names. AND we agreed on the name Samuel! This was an answer to one of my many prayers. This brought an instant peace to me. I knew that they had the same answer to their prayers. I am lucky that they included me in the naming process. We started talking about little things and then dove right in to the deep stuff when the boys left. It was so nice to know that they had open relationships with the other birth mothers and that they really wanted one with me as well.
Fast-forward 3 months later and here was this little bundle of blue. This little boy who I had waited for. who I had prayed for. who was perfect. Tears filled the 3 days that I was in hospital. Placement was bittersweet. I was heart-broken but I knew that this was what I needed to do. The Lord was there that day. He lifted my burdens and held me when I cried. I felt him there. He was a warm blanket that let me know that I would be ok.
Since then I have had ups and downs. I can honestly say that this process was an up. I love the P's with all my heart and I feel so blessed to be an active participant in their lives. I love my son. I love the fact that my testimony has been strengthened. I love the Lord. And I love you for letting me share this very shortened story with you. This is therapeutic for me. It helps me take baby steps forward. Thank you for being part of this process.
thanks for sharing your story. i can't imagine how very difficult it was for you to place samuel for adoption, but you gave him and his family the greatest gift. i have a brother and sister-in-law trying to adopt and I pray every day someone will be as remarkably selfless as you were so they might have that wonderful gift. samuel is lucky, and so is miss hadleigh.
ReplyDeleteThat is such a bitter sweet story!! I am glad that you shared that with us, I have never quite heard all of the details. I agree with your friend Erin, Samuel's family is so lucky to have him and he is lucky to have them. I know that my life has been blessed with the gift of adoption. I love my nieces to pieces and I am so glad that they are a part of my life. I love you for being such a strong person to be able to do what the Lord wanted you to do and give that family that beautiful baby boy. I know both of your lives will be blessed. Remember that I am always here for you and I might not know what you are going through, but I can be an excellent listener. Love ya!!!
ReplyDeletePS. I hope that haven't offended you!!